Trouble In Here
by MathematicSunset
Summary: Just when Cindy thought she had lost everything, she gained something. Jill/Cindy AU
1. Part I: Rainy Day

**1**

Cindy Thomas thought her life couldn't get worse after her dad died. Then Lindsay was killed. She thought she was going to break, losing her father and her lover in a two week span. It rained the day they buried Lindsay. She sat in the cold, watching but not listening as bible verses were read. Lindsay's father held her hand tightly, and that was what kept her from letting the tears fall. The last part of her heart broke when Warren Jacobi handed her the American flag along with Lindsay's badge.

Long after the casket had been lowered into the ground, she sat in the rain, letting it soak her to the bone. She couldn't bear to leave, she wasn't ready to leave. The redhead forced herself to look up as she felt the rain stop hitting her skin. There was a blonde woman standing next to her, holding an umbrella over them. "You were her girlfriend, weren't you?"

"How did you guess?" She finally found the strength to stand, and she realized even while in heels, the woman was still three inches taller than her.

"Linz always talked about you. Jill Bernhardt, I was a friend of hers from The Hall," she said, holding her hand out. Cindy took it gently in her own as she cast a glance to the hole in the ground. She started walking away, semi-thankful that Jill was still holding the umbrella over them. A shiver ran down her spine as a breeze blew through the cemetery. "You look like you could use some coffee. Well, after getting a change of clothes, that is."

Despite the sadness that was threatening to overtake her life, Cindy managed a small smile. "Coffee would be amazing. There is this little place down on Market that Lindsay and I go..." Her breath caught in her throat. "Where we would go…"

"Do you have a ride back?"

"It's within walking distance."

"It's pouring out."

"I like the rain."

Jill bit her lip. "Okay, look, I know that you don't know me at all, and I know I am intruding, but I don't think you should be alone right now." She stopped walking and looked at the younger woman. "So, can you accept someone who cared about Lindsay caring about you?"

"You don't even know me. How can you care?"

"Because Lindsay did. She loved you, and she cared about you, and I really don't think she would want you to be alone right now."

"Then why did she leave me?" Cindy hadn't meant to snap at Jill, but she had and she could tell that it had hit the woman hard. "If she didn't want me to be alone, then she wouldn't have left. She would have ignored her phone. If she didn't want me to be alone, then she could have thought better about what she was getting into before she went into that house."

"You know as well as I do she would never have ignored her phone," Jill whispered, looking at the redhead. "It is not her fault that she got shot. You should have known that was a risk in her job." The two women started walking again. "You did know that was a risk, and deep inside you had resigned yourself to the fact that it could happen this way. That some bastard would get lucky enough to miss the Kevlar in just the right spot. And it was a risk you were both willing to take, wasn't it?"

"You think you can mentally prepare yourself for something like this when you know it can happen. You sit up at night, watching her sleep, knowing that the next time her phone rings and she leaves, that you will never see her again. You know, we had this thing, where every single time we parted, we would kiss and let each other know how much we loved each other. The…that night…I was half-asleep when she left. I heard her say that she loved me, but I didn't say it back…"

"She knows," Jill whispered, stopping as they neared the porch. "When you two first started dating, if you knew this is where you would be now, would you have walked away?"

Cindy stepped under the cover of the porch and dug in her bag for her keys, her eyes not really focusing on anything. She stopped and looked up at Jill. "If I had known that I would love her this much…and knew that I would lose her…I would have never walked away. I would never give up the past three years."

She unlocked the door and motioned Jill inside, making sure the door latched behind them. "This place is beautiful."

"Would you believe she decorated most of it?" Cindy smiled as she shrugged off her coat. "You can have a seat. I'll be back in a minute."

Jill moved over towards the television as Cindy went upstairs. Her eyes scanned over pictures of what had to be the redhead with her dad, and pictures of the young woman and Lindsay. Her gaze settled on one photo of the two in front of what looked to be a waterfall.

"We went to Niagara Falls last winter," Cindy said, appearing next to Jill. The blonde scanned the woman's body quickly. She could tell immediately a portion of the reasons that Lindsay loved her. She had thrown on a pair of jeans and a shirt that she knew was Lindsay's. "It was her idea. I wanted to go somewhere with a roller coaster, but she said that going to Canada would be more romantic." Cindy stopped rubbing the towel over her hair and looked across the room at the photo again. "She was right. It was the happiest I remember being in a while."

Jill found it hard to speak. Instead of trying to form words, her eyes looking out the front window, seeing the rain falling harder than before. "Maybe we should take a rain check on coffee…"

Cindy followed her gaze. "Yeah." She watched Jill sit down on the couch, nervously looking around. "It's weird, you know, sitting here. Seeing her everywhere. Smelling her." She moved over to the couch. "Want the tour? I can show you her favorite room in the house."

"Sure," Jill replied, standing up and following Cindy into the kitchen.

"Now, I will warn you, this may make Lindsay and myself seem like we were completely immature people, but, well, who cares." She opened a door and led Jill down a flight of stairs, stopping to turn the lights on. The basement lit up, revealing a large television and at least four different video game systems. "You name a point and shoot game, she has it. It was her way to take out frustrations when she didn't catch the bad guy. I would sit on the couch, working on an article, and she would sit on the floor in front of me, playing whatever game, cursing up a storm."

"What was her favorite game?" Jill was looking at the shelf next to the television, running her fingers along the titles of the games. She noticed they were alphabetical by system and then title. She turned around to see Cindy holding a pair of drumsticks.

"Rock Band. We would have weekly competitions between us. She was so close to beating my scores on the drums. She would laugh because I would play on hard, but she was on medium, and the day she played her first song on hard, I played my first on expert." Cindy's voice had taken on a nostalgic tone as she gently twirled the drumsticks in her hands.

Jill looked around the rest of the room. Aside from what appeared to be the area for only video games, there was another room off to the side which had a television and hundreds of DVD's in it, and another area that had a pool table and a pinball machine. "Okay, not to sound rude, but I know that a cop and a reporter wouldn't make anywhere near enough to have this much shit," she smiled, following Cindy over to the pool table.

"My dad had money. I would generally mention how cool it would be to have something, and then we would have it." She picked up a pool cue. "Wanna play?"

"Sure." She grabbed another of the cues and watched as Cindy quickly and expertly racked the balls into the triangle. "So, if you don't mind me asking, how did you and Linz meet? I know it hurts to think about her, but sometimes talking about everything can help."

Cindy broke the setup perfectly, sending the red solid ball into the corner pocket. "I had snuck my way onto a crime scene and she cuffed me," she smiled, quickly sinking two more shots before missing one and stepping back so Jill could take a shot. "And then we just started talking, and one day I just got up the courage and asked her out."

The blonde surprised Cindy by making her way to only one stripe and the eight ball left on the table before she missed. "I've spent a lot of time in pool halls," she said, shrugging. "Linz had to testify in my first case as an ADA. It was pretty nerve wrecking for both of us, and afterwards, we just started talking. That was almost six years ago." She stood up straight and smiled at the redhead. "It amazes me how we didn't meet sooner."

"I tried to stay as far from Lindsay's work life as I could. I think the only person I ever met that she worked with was Jacobi. I mean, we would cross paths at crime scenes, but that's about it." She proceeded to sink the rest of her shots and the eight ball before looking back at Jill. "I can see why she liked you. You're really easy to talk to, and you listen."

The blonde woman smiled as she followed Cindy back up the stairs. "So, it seems as if the rain has stopped. How about that coffee now?"

"Sure," she replied, grabbing the worn leather jacket that Lindsay lived in as she followed Jill out of the house.

Jill looked quietly at her feet as she walked alongside Cindy on the sidewalk. In the past four months, she had spent at least an hour of time four days a week with the woman, and she had seen her hit the inevitable breakdown over losing her dad and her lover. She looked up when she noticed Cindy had stopped walking. "What's the matter? You're unusually quiet tonight," Cindy said, looking at the blonde.

"I have to ask you something," she replied, feeling like a teenager. "You don't have to answer this right now, but I just want it out there. I know that we go out every Friday night, but I think I would like to take you out for once not as a friend. Like, on a date."

"Jill…" She took a deep breath. "I'm not ready. But, when I am, I can promise that you will be the first one to know…" She put her hand on Jill's shoulder for balance as she leaned up and placed a soft kiss on her cheek.

"So, refresh my memory, how did you meet Claire again?" Jill quickly matched the shorter woman's pace.

"When my dad was in the hospital, she was his doctor. After seeing me every single day for two years, she became like a mother to me. She was, and is, there for me when I need her. Kind of like you," she grinned. "Ever since I met Lindsay, and more importantly, when my dad was sick, it's like I developed this really strange family, but they care about me and I care about them."

"Lindsay said you were the one who got her and her dad on speaking terms again…"

"Yeah. When my dad got sick, and I mean real sick…I was losing him, and it just seemed to important to me that Lindsay be on good terms with her dad in case anything ever happened to him. I didn't want her to have things left unsaid. And I guess at first she agreed to it because she cared about me so much, or maybe she was just humoring me because I was a mess about my dad." As they came upon the movie theatre, the grin on Cindy's face grew into a wide smile. "Claire!"

She took off running for the last twenty feet and wrapped her arms around the woman. Jill quietly strolled over, smiling as she watched Cindy. "And this must be Jill…" She reached her hand out and shook the blonde's hand gently. "Cindy doesn't shut up about you."

"I hope she doesn't say anything bad about me," Jill replied, gently nudging the redhead. "I wish I could say she talks about you all the time, but she doesn't. She spends most of our time together telling me all about what Lindsay was like outside of her job." She looked quickly at Cindy. "Wait, that sounded a bit more bitchy than I planned it."

"I understand," Claire said, smiling. "Nate, Derek and Ed are inside, most likely in the arcade," she said, looking at Cindy. The redhead smiled at Jill and headed inside, leaving the two women outside. "How is she doing? Since I only get to talk to her on the phone most of the time, it's kind of hard to tell her moods. And don't feel bad about the talking about Lindsay thing. I would overhear her talking to her dad about the two of them. She'll go on to anyone who will listen."

"All part of her charm, right?" Jill asked, smiling.

_"At some point I want to move to New York. I mean, not like the area that I lived when I went to Vassar, but to Brooklyn. And I want you to go with me…" Cindy let her fingers trail lightly over Lindsay's skin, causing the older woman to shiver. "Would you do that?"_

_Lindsay leaned her head down and captured Cindy's mouth with her own before she answered. She let her hand rest lightly on the redhead's waist, the skin warm underneath her palm. "I think we could manage that at some point. If it's what you want, then it's what I want."_

_With a smile on her face, Cindy turned over, settling herself into Lindsay's arms, soaking in the feel of their bodies touching in every spot they could. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."_

_"When did you realize that?" Lindsay kissed her shoulder before resting her chin on it._

_"Just this second. I never want to be without you. I love you too much to ever be without you," she whispered, closing her eyes. Hours later she felt the bed move as she vaguely heard Lindsay's phone ringing. After a few more minutes, she felt the familiar lips on hers. _

_"I love you," Lindsay whispered. "I'll see you later."_

At the knock on her office door, Jill didn't look up but instead called out, "It's open." She vaguely paid attention to the footsteps as they neared her desk. After a few moments with no response from the person, she looked up to be greeted by a smiling Cindy. "You're back!" She moved from behind her desk and wrapped her arms around the woman.

"I have something for you," she whispered, stopping Jill from pulling completely away. Before the blonde woman could respond, she leaned up and pressed their lips together. She pulled away after a moment and looked into the ice blue eyes. "I told you that you would be the first to know when I was ready."

It took Jill a moment to recover, but once she did she pulled the redhead in for another kiss. "I've wanted to do that for the past three months," she whispered, holding Cindy to her. "Was your trip to Brooklyn successful?"

"I found a nice place, and I am pretty sure I can get a job at a paper," she said, leaning her forehead on Jill's shoulder. She snaked her arms around the taller woman's waist, smiling. "Will you go with me?"

Jill pulled away and returned to her seat behind the desk. She fussed around with papers, avoiding eye contact with the redhead. "I have a lot to do today," she mumbled.

"Jill, I'm not asking you to move with me this instant. It would still be a month or two before I move. You don't have to make a decision this instant," she said, sitting in one of the chairs. "Will you look at me?"

She glanced up, not wanting the woman to notice the tears in her eyes. "I have to get this out there now. It's been five months, and I know you can't erase three years of memories in that short amount of time, but at some point you should at least move on a little. Have you packed up any of her stuff? Have you stopped carrying her badge in your purse?

"Jill…"

"I'm serious, Cindy, answer those two questions."

"No I haven't packed up her stuff, okay? And I haven't stopped carrying her badge! I'm allowed to stay attached. We were going to get married, did you know that? Did she share that with you? We talked about getting married…and then me moving to New York…and then she got the phone call."

Jill opened her mouth for a moment and then closed it, her eyes wide. "She mentioned in passing that you two were starting to finally have your serious talks…"

"If I had the chance to step in front of her, to die, I would have taken it. Because I know she would be stronger than I am about all of this. And I would have gotten to be with my dad again. Jill, I loved her more than anything and when I lost her, I didn't think I could feel that ever again. And then you entered my life. And now I think falling in love again might be a possibility. So I will ask you once more. Will you go with me?"


	2. Part II: Fall For You

**2**

"Jill, please, if you won't join me in Brooklyn as my girlfriend then join me as a friend. I need to do this but I can't do it alone," Cindy whispered, leaning across the desk. Jill looked up, her gaze locking with the petite redhead's. "I could love you, Jill. I could. Give me a chance to find out, please."

"I can't…"

Cindy sat back in the chair and closed her eyes. "Why not?"

"Because I am already in love with you, and Lindsay was one of my best friends…and I just don't feel right loving you because you were hers."

"You said it yourself that at some point I have to move on!"

"I never said you had to move on with me," Jill said, her voice calm. Cindy stood up quickly.

"Maybe I was wrong about you then. I thought you cared." She grabbed her bag and quickly left the office, leaving the blonde woman staring after her. Jill cared, she really did, and she knew that Cindy was aware of this, but both women were treading on a strange line. What was the proper etiquette for dating your deceased friend's girlfriend? Was there a proper etiquette?

--

_"Dad, I really care about her. I do. But I'm scared…"_

_"You don't have to be scared, Hun, because I can guarantee she cares about you just as much," Clark said, loosely holding Cindy's hand. "Look, you know she loves her job, and yes, sometimes her job involves getting shot at. Have you talked about this with her?"_

_She smiled. "Not yet. You have to keep in mind that in the past year I have barely been home," she said, turning her gaze to the machines beeping around them. "You're gonna get better, right?"_

_"I hate to be a downer, sweetie, but I don't think I am. But I am not going anywhere right soon." He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles, smiling at her. "I love you."_

_"I love you too daddy." She looked at her watch. "I have to go. Lindsay and I have a date," she said, standing up and kissing her dad's forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow." _

--

Cindy slammed the door to the house, causing a picture on the wall to shudder. She made her way to the basement and sat on the couch, reaching in her bag for the badge. Taking a deep breath, she leaned back, holding the badge to her chest. "What do I do now, Linz? How is it that before I went to New York, she wanted to be with me, but now that I feel ready, she wants nothing to do with me? I know this isn't supposed to be easy, but it isn't supposed to be this hard either!"

"It's because she is stupid and scared and confused," Jill said, leaning against the wall, looking at the redhead. "She wants everything to do with you but she doesn't know the right way to go about making that happen. She really wants to move with you, but she doesn't think she can because of her fear." Jill moved over to the couch and sat next to the woman. "I know I really shouldn't have this much to be scared about, but I do. I care about you, Cindy, more than I have ever cared about anyone before."

"So why don't you just come with me?"

"Well, what if we both pack up our lives and move across the country, but then we get there and find out we can't stand to live with each other. Then what?"

"Then we find a way to do it. I told you, I can't do this alone. You are all I have," she whispered, not looking at the blonde woman. "I don't want to do this alone. I wanted to do this with Lindsay."

"I am sure she wanted to do it with you," Jill said, wrapping an arm around the redhead. "Look, how about this; you go to Brooklyn, and I will come visit once you get settled. I will stay for a week or two, and if that works, I can get an apartment near you…and then we can let that go for a few months…and then maybe we can move in together if that goes well, okay? Take it a few steps at a time."

"I took it a few steps at a time with Lindsay and in the long run there were so many things that didn't get to be said and so many things we didn't get to do. I don't want to take it a few steps at a time anymore. I want to jump in."

"You're being reckless…"

"So what if I am?! Does that just make you want to run off? Seeing that I am so reckless?"

"Cindy…"

"Forget it, okay, forget I said anything!" She stood and headed up the stairs, Jill close on her heels. "I mean, I know that it's a really big leap of faith to ask you to live with me, trust me, I get that. But it has taken me almost a month to gather the courage to even think about asking. Now it feels like you have no respect for that."

"I do respect that. I swear I do, but you need to take a moment to realize where I am coming from. Can you do that? This isn't all about you." Cindy stopped and turned to look at the woman and Jill realized this was the first time she had ever seen the master bedroom of the house. Her eyes scanned the room, noting that the bed was neatly made, and there was now a wooden frame for the flag.

"Lindsay's dad made that for me. Specifically for the flag. I had told him I didn't want to keep it around, but he insisted I should," she said, following the blue eyes. "Look, I know it isn't all about me, believe me, I do. But I am going to be completely selfish and say, no, I don't need to take a moment and realize where you are coming from. I know where you are, because three years ago I was there. I had Lindsay begging me to move in with her, and granted it wasn't somewhere across the country, but it was still a big step in a relationship. And I know that technically, we don't even have a romantic relationship. We just have feelings and one kiss."

"Do you have to go to Brooklyn now? Why can't you stay here just a little bit longer, let our relationship develop before we do anything?"

"Because I need out of this city. It is filled with memories and reminders of my dad and of Lindsay, and I just can't take it anymore! Every single time I walk down the street or step foot in this house, all I see are the times that Lindsay and I would spend together, or I will see a park that my dad took me to when I was little. Do you have any idea what that feels like, Jill? To be in constant emotional pain?"

Jill leaned against the doorframe and looked at the ground, shaking her head. "My life has been far from perfect, but I can't say I have ever had to deal with the kind of pain you are going through right now, but I do want to try and help you through it."

Cindy began throwing clothes onto the bed from the closet. "Really?" She scoffed before finally let the crying overtake her as she sat on the floor next to the bed. "I am such a downer on any good mood, you know? I just haven't been able to let myself be happy since she died. I couldn't even take care of our dog! I had to send her off to Marty because it was just too hard. How bad of a person does that make me?" She looked up at Jill, the tears running down her face.

In a heartbeat, Jill had moved to sit next to the redhead. She pulled her close, letting Cindy curl into her. "You aren't a bad person."

--

_Cindy walked into the house, setting her bag on the floor, her coat falling lamely from her shoulders. Lindsay looked into the hallway and watched the drenched redhead carefully. Cindy moved past her and hopped up onto the counter. Lindsay went over to her and placed herself between her knees and kissed her. "What's wrong?"_

_"He's… He's gone…" She choked out, blindly groping for the tightest hold on Lindsay she could manage. The taller woman pulled the redhead off of the counter and quietly led her up to the bedroom. "It hurts," she whispered._

_"I know it does, sweetie, I know it does." She grabbed Cindy's favorite pajamas and tossed them onto the bed before helping her peel off her wet clothes. "Did you walk home from the hospital?"_

_"No…I got back here and then I went for a walk…I needed to clear my head," she whispered, slowly pulling her pajamas on. She shivered as Lindsay sat her down on the bed. "But it didn't clear my head, Linz, it just made it worse. He's gone…"_

--

Jill rolled over on the bed, opening her eyes when she realized that Cindy wasn't lying there anymore. She sat up, shielding her eyes from the light finding its way into the room from the bathroom. The light flicked off and Cindy emerged into the room, looking at the bed. "Why in the hell are you not in this bed?"

"I can't sleep." She began jogging in place. Jill glanced at the clock and then back at the silhouette of the woman.

"So you are going to go jog, at six in the morning, in Brooklyn? I think a better use of time would be to crawl back in bed and try to sleep some more," she said, propping herself up on her arm. "Maybe tell me why you couldn't sleep…"

"Jill, I just need to go for a run, okay? It clears my head. I'll be back later." She left the room and made sure she had her wallet and keys before she opened the door and quickly headed down the stairs. When the cold air outside hit her face, she felt more awake than before. She was thankful that Jill had come to visit, but she missed having the bed to herself. Nightmares kept her awake at night, and she didn't feel safe enough to let Jill in on that yet. Mentally, she was slowly spinning out of control. She knew it but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't stop it. She just didn't want Jill around when she hit the bottom.

She trudged back up the stairs to the apartment three hours later to find Jill sitting on the couch watching television. "How do you manage to jog for three hours in Brooklyn?"

"Well, easy, you take a little trip to Queens," she said, heading down the hallway, looking over her shoulder as Jill followed her. "Look, I know you want to know why I can't sleep anymore, but honestly, I don't really feel like sharing. So, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go shower." She closed the bedroom door before Jill could enter the room.

"Cindy! Open the damn door!" Jill leaned her head on the wood and listened to the pacing footsteps of the redhead. "Please."

After a few moments, the door opened and Jill wrapped her arms around her tightly. Cindy pulled back and pressed her mouth to Jill's fiercely as she pulled the blonde towards the bed. "I need you," she mumbled, looking directly into Jill's eyes.

"Okay," Jill answered dumbly, her hands sliding underneath Cindy's shirt, fingers gently exploring the skin. As her hands moved the fabric of the shirt up, Cindy pulled back from the kiss long enough for it to be pulled over her head. Jill took her time in exploring the fair skin, still flushed from the running. She placed a small kiss on Cindy's neck and she swore she could hear the woman's heartbeat.

Jill slowly snaked her hand down the front of Cindy's sweatpants, fingers slowly inching towards the wetness between the redhead's legs, causing the younger woman to place her forehead on Jill's shoulder. Before her fingers could slide inside, Cindy's words stopped her cold. "Oh God…Lindsay…"

She removed her hand and took a couple steps back from the redhead. "What?" Cindy had both of her hands clamped over her mouth. "I think maybe I should go…"

"Jill! Please! I…I didn't mean…"

"I can't be your perfect Lindsay…and I thought you actually wanted this…"

"I do, Jill, I really do!"

Jill shook her head, tears in her eyes, as she slowly backed out of the room. "See, I thought I could do this…you know? I thought I could love you and make you realize there is more to life than your memories of Lindsay. But now I don't think you are even ready to move on."

"It's been eight months since she died, Jill, I am ready. I want this and I want it with you," she pleaded.

"I was less than two inches from fucking you, and you said her name, Cindy!" Jill sobbed, jerking backward to avoid Cindy's hand reaching for her. "How am I supposed to believe that you're ready to move on when _that_ happens? How?"

"Because I wasn't thinking about her! Not sexually, anyway…" she sniffled, her arms wrapped around herself as she screwed her eyes shut. "I was…the last few weeks, since I left and we decided to really start dating, I've been letting go of her more and more and earlier, when we started making out and I said her name, I was saying goodbye, ok? I just…I was talking to Claire a couple days after I got here, and she told me that it was ok to move on, and Lindsay would have wanted me to move on, and be happy again. She wouldn't have wanted me to just be a spinster for the rest of my life, and I realized that after talking to Claire, and I realized I want to not be a spinster with you, ok?" Cindy sighed, leaning against the wall and scrubbing away her tears on the sleeve of her sweatshirt.

"Oh," Jill muttered. Cindy looked up, meeting the blonde's gaze uncertainly. "You had better be telling the truth, you know," the taller woman scolded, frowning to keep from smiling too wide through her tears. "And I'm still mad you went running _alone_ at six am in _Brooklyn_, by the way."

Cindy's jaw dropped open in surprise before the source of Jill's confusion registered. "What…? No, Jill…There's an outdoor market two blocks from here that opens at 6, and there're always people around there early in the morning, setting up and selling stuff and whatever. I run along there and then through a shopping center and the back of the police academy's satellite campus in Queens and back…you don't have to worry about stuff like that, you know…" a gentle teasing note entered her voice, testing the waters and waiting for Jill's smirk to break through before adding, "I did date a cop for three years."

Jill moved towards the redhead and wrapped her arms around her tightly. "Yeah, you did. You dated a damn good cop for three years." She kissed the top of Cindy's head. "Come on, let's get some more sleep," she whispered, gently pulling the woman towards the bed.

Cindy yawned, tangling her fingers with Jill's as she trailed after the blonde. "Mkay," she mumbled. "So maybe jogging for three hours starting at six AM wasn't the best idea..." she trailed off into a yawn, leaning against Jill for a second as the blonde pulled the blankets back.

"Come on, sleepyhead, bed with you," Jill murmured, stepping out of the way so Cindy could slide between the sheets and watch as the blonde slid into bed after her. Jill slid in close under Cindy's arm, sighing contentedly as the smaller woman's arm wrapped around her shoulders under the blanket.

Cindy's heartbeat thumped in Jill's ear, evening out into a slow, steady beat along with the redhead's breathing. Jill fell asleep soon after, her arms wrapped tightly around Cindy's waist.

--

**Jill;**

**I am so sorry that this has to happen this way, I really am. I know that we have been making progress in our lives and in our relationship but there are some things that are bigger than me and beyond my control. Since the deaths of my dad and Lindsay, I have had an inner battle in my head. Part of me doesn't want to be here without either of them, but part of me never wants to leave you.**

**I never expected you, and I never expected to fall in love with you. I realized almost a month ago now that mentally, I was a lost cause. I was spinning out of control and there was nothing that could be done. But I did find something…and that is why you are reading this letter right now. I love you, Jill. Always remember that, and always cherish that, okay? Maybe if I was stronger or smarter I could go on, but I don't see that happening. Remember this; the past nine months have meant the world to me, and I hope they meant the same to you. It just hurts too much, Jill. I don't want you to feel this same kind of hurt, so remember to forget.**


End file.
